I have received a question from Becky about the pressure of Christian apologists on their listeners to make rash decisions.
The question is:
"What do I do when I can't disprove the claims of different religions simply by virtue of not being as educated or prepared with my responses as they are? Especially those times I'm pretty sure they're wrong, but I don't know why? It frustrates me not to have an answer in that moment, but later, there's so much I want to say, but it's too late."
This is real problem, but not in the way you might think. There is a lot of faith-hustling that goes on in every belief system that is ineffective and disrespectful. Anyone who is interested in genuinely helping others must absolutely avoid faith-hustling at all costs. It is disastrous to any potential convert's sense of deeper satisfaction and commitment to a cause. This is just common sense. You don't need a PhD in manipulative tactics to know when someone is conning you. Okay, maybe it would help, but the signs that you are being hustled include:
1. Feeling chased. We all know when we are being chased or harassed. If you are made to feel like you HAVE to be in a conversation that you don't want to be in, then you are being chased. If it feels like someone is selling something, even if you can't see their product, they probably are. You are the consumer, the customer, the client, and the convert to be gained. Being a notch in someone's belt is a HUGE motivation for someone to study long and hard about how to win you. There are a lot of books on the art of manipulation and, well, soul-winning. The word "apologetics" makes it sound harmless, but it isn't. It is as destructive to relationships as any form of bullying. Don't feel bad for not wanting to be chased.
2. Feeling talked-over. Anyone who really is interested in helping you to understand and process certain ideas will listen as much as they talk. The point of information and education is to inform, not pressure, and if anyone acts as if they're not trying to bully you into a rash decision, but they aren't sensitive when you have a real problem or sticking point in your understanding, then they don't care as much as they pretend to. Think about when you are trying to teach a job to someone new. You go at their learning pace, you learn their communication style, and you listen. If someone is just trying to feed you a line without bothering to slow down or rick your honest feedback, then they're suspect.
3. Feeling attacked. If someone is constantly implying that you don't care, or that you're too dense to understand, or you're just being obstinate, then it might be a good sign that you're being treated unfairly in the conversation. Anger and frustration are signs of desperation. No value system worth its salt wants to intimidate others and thereby earn bleating sheep. Only cults seek sheep.
4. Feeling cornered. Have you tried to walk away or politely end the conversation, but the speaker keeps stringing you along, or seems offended that you have a life outside of that conversation? A peaceful parting is a necessary 'out' that is always offered up-front by anyone who really cares about you. Beware the hooks in conversation that make you feel obligated to stay when you would rather leave. When this happens, you have a right to be slightly discourteous, if that's the way it's understood, and say "Thank you, but I have something I need to get to," and leave. Socially conscious and considerate people will completely understand, and might feel a bit of remorse about having made you feel uncomfortable. It might even be a good teaching moment for people who don't realize how pushy they've become.
5. Feeling rushed. This problem is more directly reflective of the opening question. You need to remember that you don't HAVE to believe anything. The persuasion part of belief is not your choice, it just happens or it doesn't. The commitment part of belief, like your belief IN someone or something which implies your devotion and love to that person or object, is your choice and no one else's. No one can make your brain assent to the truth of something, no matter how much they believe it, nor can anyone make you want something as much as they want it. Belief is your choice, and that's probably why it affects people so powerfully. Your power to believe is very validating to someone with whom you agree, but to someone who believes differently, it is disheartening. The reason is simple: when you are persuaded that something is or isn't true, someone who thinks differently may begin to doubt their belief to some degree however small; and when you commit to something that is different than what someone else is committed too, they may begin to doubt others' care for their values, which is often translated to a lack of concern about their self. So, when someone is trying to bully you to believe like they do, it may be for a few reasons, but mostly it's because they feel they need you to feel good about them and about what they believe.
There is a lot of power in your "no" and "yes", and this is important to know for a reason other than being conscious about how it unintentionally affects another. It is also important because of how you can use it intentionally. Remember, no matter what defenses you can give for or against what you believe, your choice is answer enough. No one can 'win' a conversation or debate that doesn't win you. One can't win facts, or logic, or math, or anything in the same way you can people. Saying simply, "I don't believe it" (or "I don't believe you") is huge. Matter of fact, it is so powerful that we would rather not say it, and we often forget that the power of "I don't believe it" is in our arsenal because it is insulting for a person to hear that what is so cherished by themselves can be set aside as unservicable to another's needs. It's a form of rejection, and when used in the right way, it can be a wake-up call for people flippantly hocking their beliefs to every person they meet.
Try it sometime. Let someone win the fact debate. Then tell them that you still choose to believe differently. You may or may not give your reasons, but that should be enough. No apologist of any caliber is really satisfied with being right, until you think they're right.
Now, if my readers do not find that as convincing as I do (no pressure!), there are always other ways to bring more light to a dialogue. Keep these tools in your back pocket:
1. The Fallacy Fallacy. The fallacy fallacy is a mistake on the part of a debater who maintains that because you can't explain, you're wrong. The truth is, it doesn't mean you're wrong just because you can't explain. Of course, this cuts both ways, but the point is that it doesn't mean you're wrong because you made an error in logic or speech, or because you can't reason something out at the moment, or because you're drawing a blank, or because you don't have enough information, or because you argued poorly. A person who thinks they 'won' simply because they argued better that instance has already lost. Knowing some other common debating fallacies might help: https://yourlogicalfallacyis.com/
2. Does it work? This is probably one of the best tests for a worldview that is out there. If something either a) doesn't clearly work for all people, b) doesn't clearly work for yourself, or c) isn't really testable, then you can move on. Arguing science, philosophy, or metaphysics with someone until the sun goes down does not change the matter much--if something can't be tested, then we can't be too sure that it's right no matter how much sense it makes.
3. Take your time. Go check your facts. The truth will still be there next week or next month. What's the rush? Treat this like those annoying emails that circulate about the president being a satan-worshipper. SNOPES it! Read up on it and figure out what you really think about an issue. Remember to check both sides. And it's okay to postpone your decision until a time when it really matters, and not feel pressured to decide on someone else's arbitrary timeline.
4. Beware of absolutes. No sane person thinks they have all knowledge on any one subject. To know any one thing completely in the universe, you will have have to have all knowledge of all things that interrelate with that object, and since there is no real known boundaries to any object in the universe, you have to have all knowledge of the universe to know entirely any one thing! And being confident about something does not make it an absolute. Not even so-called First Principles--or things you can't deny like 2+2 = 4, or the fact that I exist--can be confused with absolutes. Let's remember the word 'know' more precisely indicates those things that I have a high confidence in as being true, like this statement for instance. We are all finite, and we have relatively small brains that can't contain the universe. Let's not play tricks to get around this. Let's all take a moment and say together, "My understanding is not perfect on any one thing because I am not perfect or all-knowing." There, doesn't that feel better?
Don't be dazzled by eloquence. Many apologists' points can be used just as effectively to defend other religious, cultish, and extremists views. Just because it seems linear doesn't at all equate to being right or livable. Forgetting this has landed many people into deep doodoo. You don't HAVE to believe anyone, and don't underestimate the power of "I don't believe you." It's powerful.
